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| Tuesday, November 6, 2007 |
| Peek-a-boo. It's just me. |
Hey friends. It has been forever since I have written here. The plan was to make regular updates. That worked really well, I guess.
A lot has taken place over the last month. I have been on a whole new spiritual level, engaging in spiritual warfare, standing side-by-side those whom I consider superstars of the faith (at least in my own life, the way that I see them). I've encountered demons, brought words of wisdom, and participated in situations I don't even know how to describe. God has moved in me and through me like never before. I've grown deeper into His love and His grace, and I've read His Word more than I ever have before.
Sometimes, those warriors around me, those people that lead me, those superstars that are in my life, that I look up to....they try and encourage me. I hear them say that they think I'm awesome, or that my faithfulness inspires them, and how they are glad that I have stepped into my role in the body of Christ.
Well, I certainly am glad that I stepped into a new role....and yet...I have a hard time accepting it. I have a hard time believing that I am something to be looked up to, or admired...especially by the people that say these things.
When I look at me...sometimes, I still see a scared little boy, and not a man of God. I see the failure, not one who is "more than a conqueror." I see the things I have done in my life, and wonder how I can continue to be used. I get flooded with memories of depression, suicide, lust, fear, hate....I wonder how I could really be that changed. I see my own abilities, see where I am at right now, and sometimes just ask myself "Who am I? Who do I think I am?"
I've grown into some new relationships with some absolutely incredible people, who I have absolutely all the respect in the world for. They encourage me, inspire me, lift me up, every day. And...I think of all my failed relationships in the past and begin to withdraw.
There is one person I am thinking of in particular (you know who you are, so I will just speak this to you right now). Without you, without your prayer and support, I would not be anywhere near where I am. I didn't want to be obedient, but you influenced me and lifted me up and believed in me...and I followed.
And, as we grow closer...suddenly...I am filled with fear. I want to withdraw. To hide. I try not to act like it. Perhaps, even, overcompensate, so that you won't see it, which has it's own repercussions as well.
I'm not scared of you. I'm scared of being close to someone. I'm not scared you will hurt me. I've just been hurt so many times before, I just can't handle the thought of it happening again. It's not that I don't trust you. I just have had my trust broken so many times. I really do believe you are different. But my past tells me that no one is different, that everyone will let me down.
And so I am stuck. I am stuck, truly wanting to believe that I am changed, that I am not who I use to be, that God has called me to a higher standard, to a special role, that He has called me out for whatever reason and made me a warrior in His army. I want nothing more than to accept it with all my heart that this is where God has brought me. And I am getting there. But, some days, it is harder than others. Today just happens to be one of those days, I guess.
...and I am stuck. I am stuck, believing that you are really different than everyone who told me I wasn't worth it, who cared for me while it was convenient for them and then stabbed me in the back when I was no longer any use to them. I believe you are different, but I get so caught up in what life has told me who I am...I don't know how to act. For that, I apologize. Please, bear with me. I need you to understand.
And so, to conclude...
I'm not who I was.
You're not who they were.
It's just hard sometimes to accept it.
But I'm trying.
And I'm growing.
And I'm learning.
I will stumble, but I will get back up.
I will say stupid things, but know where my heart is.
So, even through my confusion and my frustrations...I desire one thing: To continue to be obedient to the Most High. He has brought me this far. He has placed fantastic people in my life, all around me, who I am so thankful for.
Even though I struggle, LORD, I am your servant. Take me, use me. I want to go deeper. I want to fight more. I want to love more. I want to hear your voice more. I want to see your face more.
And to you, friend, I just want you to know...I am trying. I'm just a scraggly hick, a peasant, who dreams of becoming a knight. |
posted by Mastmind Theatre @ 10:11 PM   |
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